"I decided it is better to scream. Silence is the real crime against humanity."
- Nadezhda Mandelstam, Hope Against Hope
This is a 3 Part Series:
Picture yourself in love. Did you smile? Keep that picture in your mind. No one that loves you would ever wish you harm. Loving people, who join their lives together, share. They picture themselves as being in the same dream, sharing the bounty that they each bring to the relationship, and finding that their love gives them more. Sometimes, they disagree, and yet they know that the commitment they have made means there is time to smooth out the problems. As couples do, they have discussed with whom they will spend their time. And as all new loves know, they are spending most of their time together.
Now, let's take them to another country, in fact, to the country of their choice, the one they have dreamed of living in for many years. The majority of the couples who leave their familiar setting, family, and friends, will function well. If they don't speak the language of their adopted country, their ability to accomplish the simplest of task may cause some friction between them. They will make it through; after all, they have one another to rely upon. While they are accomplishing the huge tasks of buying or renting a home, or deciding the best options for financial management, they are also developing their social network. If one or both of the partners is working, the company may contribute a set of ready-made friends. Perhaps there are social clubs or charity events to attend. Maybe their is a particular restaurant or bar where they can socialize with other expatriates. This loving couple can begin to discriminate. They begin to determine what they will attend, and with whom.
Now, let's picture them in a rural location, perhaps one that has been impacted by political upheaval or war. In this climate the stress they are under multiplies. There is no infrastructure to advice, or assist them. There are no other expatriates that can offer them comfort and emotional stability. Their documents, including passports, have been lost. The money in their banking account has disappeared. Any attempt either partner makes to manage the stress is met with a counter-move of manipulation, or imposed restrictions. In fact, the stress builds-up to such an extreme extent, that they no longer see one another in the same light. Instead of holding hands for comfort, they push away, creating a crazy love dance that internally feels to them like a mosh pit death.
Domestic violence is a reality in expatriate communities. The couples that are spinning towards disaster become isolated. The abusive partner may have challenged the status quo of the expatriate community one to many times. The victim may isolate as a way of managing privacy, embarrassment, or as temporary appeasement to the abusive partner.
A power imbalance, within the abuser, is in a constant state of struggle. They seek every way possible to manage the victim in an attempt to manage their internal drive to win, no matter what the cost. They may destroy or hide documents, car keys, and cell phones. They will manipulate viewpoints, especially that of the victims, and certainly of any outside person who may support the victim. When confronted, by anyone on any topic, they will deny responsibility, and instead offer what sounds like a reasonable explanation for their actions or in-actions. For example, the abuser may say that they had to take the car keys away because it isn't safe for a woman to drive in their new country.. If this fails, you, the victim, and that includes you, the friend who is usually female, may be held responsible for their behavior. Simultaneously, the conversation will be masterfully shifted, either to blaming you (in which case you may take on the responsibility of fixing whatever it is they have created as a problem), or they may jump to an entirely unrelated topic, one that points out your shortcomings (in which case you begin to defend yourself). Shifting blame and focus are but two of the tactics used by those who have mastered the art of aggression. The most important defense a victim has is knowing that an aggressor must win, and that to do so, the aggressor will lie. Unfortunately, you, the victim, learn that too late in the dance.
To answer the question, why doesn't she leave, let's start with the lie. Aggressors can be charismatic. They appear to be good listeners, and what woman doesn't appreciate a good listener. But listen you must! They share almost no personal information that will put them in a vulnerable position. Before they are managing you in a way that you recognize, they are managing their image. That image is based on what you are telling them about yourself during intimate conversations, the ones where you are falling in love. The aggressor is taking note. If you begin to suspect that they might be very adept at play acting, they will assume another, and often more appealing, persona. Remember, they have to win and they have to lie.
She doesn't leave, and you don't stop being the abusers' friend, because part of the lie is the promise of change - that something better is just on the other side of the rainbow. She doesn't leave, and you don't stop being the aggressors' confidant, because you have a decent heart. You believe in the rainbow, you believe in the potential of love healing all wounds, you believe, with all your heart, that the man you fell in love with and the man you befriended, is still present behind the mask of aggression. Normal people, those without a character disorder, are constantly surprised by aggressors - the bully that pushed you out of line in second grade, or the one who came to your house for a sleepover and stole all the money out of your piggy bank. Why would anyone do something so heinous to a kind person? As we age, we become set in our views of people and place. Unless the aggressor is doing an overt act, and most combine covert and overt acts, you simply can't believe anyone would be violent, and neither can she.
She doesn't leave, and you don't either, because you both have been conditioned to view aggressors as people with horrible self-esteem as the result of some horrible childhood issue. Statistically, we have all had horrible childhood histories. One out of six men have been sexually assaulted or raped between the ages of birth and eighteen. For women, it is one out of four. The rule, for her and for you, is to BELIEVE. You ARE being manipulated, managed, and directed. You ARE being pushed, pulled, and beaten. AND their horrible childhoods are no excuse!
When she doesn't leave, don't gossip about her. Refer to the Safety Plan tab at the top of this web page and help her leave. When she does, stick close to her like white on rice because her chances of being harmed, possibly murdered, increase. Leaving tells the abuser that they will not win. She knows the level of lethality in her gut, the gut that has been torn to shreds by the gnarly knuckle. Believe Her! Help Her!
*It takes, on average, 7 attempts to end a violent relationship before she finally leaves. Number One reason for staying, is Safety! Think about that! If someone were telling and showing you that they were capable of killing you if you left, what would you do?
*It takes, on average, 7 attempts to end a violent relationship before she finally leaves. Number One reason for staying, is Safety! Think about that! If someone were telling and showing you that they were capable of killing you if you left, what would you do?
2 comments:
Having worked many years with mothers of toddlers, I have seen first hand women who's partners turn vicious. It doesn't start out that way. At first there is an event that the perp uses as an excuse to be ugly. They usually convince the victom to feel sorry for them for being so stressed out. They almost always appologize only to do it again with each stressor (excuse) that comes up. It usually starts with verbal abuse, then a push or a slap, followed by remorse, followed by blame, excuses, and a profession of how much they love their partner that they just hurt. From there it moves to a much more violent rage that I have seen first hand result in skull fractures, broken ribs, wrists, noses, jaws, pets being killed in front of the victom as an imtimidation technique and sadly even death. Many women whom I have helped get protective orders have allowed the perps back into their lives becasue the think they need their help financially. Very sad indeed.
Merilee, you have artfully outlined the cycle of abuse. One of the tactics used by aggressors is to attempt to make the person being victimized that the physical components were the victims fault. Initially, the aggressor may also claim their behavior was accidental. Thanks for your comment.
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